Karuna Hospice Services

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Tony and I met when we were both very young. We were childhood sweethearts and had known each other a long time before building a life together with our three children. But sadly we lost Tony two years ago, after a short battle with cancer.

When he was diagnosed, the doctors gave Tony only a year to live, but we were blessed with more than 18 months together. During all the treatments and surgeries, he came out of it so positively and was always so strong. I have heard similar stories from friends I have made through Karuna. They all say how strong their partner or husband or wife was and how they carried everyone else through the illness with their positive attitude.

But about 17 months down the track, we decided not to continue treatment. The doctors had told us that they needed to control the growth of the tumor. This meant having surgery every four months. We knew this would be more than Tony could cope with. This was an agonizing decision for us because we knew that he would not survive without further surgery. It was at this point that we agreed to sell our business. That was another hard decision because once Tony let go of the business, he knew he would have to let go of us and that would be it.

Tony always said he didn’t fear death, but he felt very concerned about how I would cope and how that would affect the children. So I knew it was my turn to be strong. When he was discharged from the hospital we were told we would need more support and that is when our relationship with Karuna began.

The nurses came every day to help me care for Tony and they were marvelous. They supported my whole family because we were all taking turns to be there for my husband all the time. Tony looked forward to the nurses’ visits and we all appreciated the help they gave. For the most part we all coped well with Tony’s illness, but towards the end I was getting worn down. Tony was getting worse, he was dying right before our eyes and it was taking its toll. Up until that point caring for Tony was never a hard thing for me. I knew if it became hard, we would be near the end.

Bronwen, our wonderful Karuna nurse, could recognize that I was struggling. She knew that I didn’t want anyone to do anything for Tony and that I wanted to do it all myself. She could see that I was exhausted. The weather was getting extreme and Tony was getting stressed with the heat, so she very gently suggested we put Tony into hospital so I could gather my strength. Tony agreed and was admitted into hospital. Three weeks later, Tony’s brave battle with cancer ended and he died.

When I came home, I remember thinking, “what do I do now?” I felt very alone with my grief. After the funeral my close friends and family, who had been in touch constantly when Tony was dying, suddenly didn’t seem to be in contact very much. It was like life had moved on for everyone except me. This was a rude awakening. I realised no one really knew how to deal with my grief and this really threw me.

Family and friends can be sympathetic, but they really don’t know what you are going through. I used to expect so much more from my family and friends, but there is a part of you they can’t reach because they haven’t experienced what you have. Your family wants to know that you are happy and strong and that you are moving on. It is difficult for them to know how you are feeling and how to support you.

A few months later I received a newsletter from Karuna that included a flyer promoting a support group meeting. It caught my eye. I realized that if I was going to survive this, I needed help from people who have been through the same experience. I made the decision to reach out to Karuna. One month later, I went along to my first bereavement support group meeting and I have kept going ever since. I have made some really good friends through Karuna and we regularly meet outside of the monthly meetings to catch up with each other.

I now understand the best way I can honour Tony is to reconnect with my life and try to move on in a positive way and Karuna is helping me do that. It has been two years since Tony died and I feel that he is with me more strongly than ever. This is how I know I am going to be okay.

Karuna has helped me through the saddest and loneliest time in my life, giving me the opportunity to meet new people, share my experience and talk about my grief in a caring and supportive environment and I am so grateful. Please support Karuna’s Christmas Appeal. Your support will help Karuna care for other families who are trying to cope with the loss of someone they dearly love.

With warmest wishes

Deborah Jones